Empty Nest

I don’t want it but I’m ready.

I am now entering the peri-empty nester phase of my life.  I’m still a mother but in a very different way.

As they learn to find their way in this world out from under my wing I am learning how to find my own new way.  The many subtle changes start to creep up and before you know it you’re crying into your glass of wine and you don’t know why.  To be fair, I’m also entering the peri-menopausal phase of my life so those emotions could be coming from another place.

The ups and downs can feel so extreme that you start to question if you know what you’re doing, if you’ve ever known what you were doing and if you’ll know what you’re going to do.

As they spend less and less time at home the ups and downs are not as extreme.

I don’t want them to not need me.  I don’t want them to leave.  I don’t want to be irrelevant.  I don’t want to be alone…but I’m ready.

I’m ready to start this new phase of my life.

 

He’s my son too…

The Son of a Man

He tries me

He lies to me

He makes it hard to breathe

 

He takes me

He breaks me

His love is all I need

 

Carrying the pieces of my heard around

Like they belong to him

Giving nothing in return

It’s wrong, it’s a sin

 

He leaves me

He grieves me

He comes crawling back

 

He saves me

He blames me

He finds my weakness and I crack

The Music Experience

Until recently I always thought that everyone experienced music the same way.  I was wrong.  Music interpretation and enjoyment is a very individual and personal thing.

My personal music experience is physical. It’s about how it makes me feel.  I don’t have a favorite genre or artist.  I don’t have just one favorite song.  It doesn’t always matter how well the song is composed or how well written the lyrics are.  It’s about the little details that make me physically and mentally feel good.  Sometimes it can be a memory, nostalgia, or a need to move my body to the music.

There are times when a song will move me enough to want to learn the lyrics.  A song so inspirational that I want to sing it loud from the depths of my soul.  Other times I will only ever learn a few lines of the song because the dance is more important than the words.

I am not a musician but I do love music.  I want to be a part of the experience.  I want to participate in invoking the same happiness in others that I feel.

My experience is important to me.  Music is important to me.  Music is the language of the soul.  This is a language I can understand.

In the words of Sheryl Crow…

“If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad”

6021 Young Street

I travel on the same bus route going past 6021 Young St. at the same time every morning. Seeing the same things every day.  Observing the same people as they go about their morning and noticing when their routine has changed. And then there is Joe…

Early mornings, he’s always there
Backlit in his second floor office window
Oblivious to the traffic below
Ignoring the buses going by
He steps outside to smoke in the shadows
Shuffling his feet as if he were cold
His name is on the sign
Joseph Roza, Barrister & Solicitor
Day after day, year after year
He sits, backlit in his second floor office window

 

Tipping the scales

I’ve always struggled with my weight.  I know this is a familiar story for a lot of people.  There is obesity on both sides of my family.  My father used to remind me of this when I was in my teens.  Of course, we now know that heredity is not destiny.  Some people do have a genetic predisposition, in rare circumstances, but for the most part healthy diet and exercise will counteract the obesity gene.

I remember going to the doctor at 15 and telling her that I thought I was overweight.  She advised me, in her doctoring way, that for a female of my height that my weight was exactly where it should be to be healthy. BUT…I wasn’t skinny like the other girls.  Skinny is better, right?  Skinny girls get boyfriends.  Skinny girls are popular.  Skinny girls are more successful. Skinny girls are prettier by default.  Lies.  All lies.

Now in my 40’s I once again carry a few extra pounds (by my own assertion) but I am not overweight. I am not unhealthy.  I have learned that body weight is only one element of a healthy, happy lifestyle.  We must wholly take care of ourselves.  A healthy mind gives positive motivation towards a healthy body.  I have found happiness and acceptance in myself.

I asked life and life is answering.

 

It’s my life, dammit!

Today I write.

I write for me.  I write for my soul.  I write for my own happiness.  This is not selfish.  This is self-preservation.  This is self-love.  This is life.

There is a poem deep in my heart.  It is buried so deep the words are unrecognizable.  The sounds are formed in silence but the meaning is never lost.  The challenge in exposing the words lies within the web of uncertainty clouding the view from the inside out.

So, I stay silent.

This is my disguise.

We all have our disguises that we don in certain social settings.  Whether it be professional networking, social gatherings or dating.  We want to put our best foot forward, show our best side, give that perfect first impression.  This is our present self.  People like our present self.  But what about our future self? The worst foot?  The worst side?  The imperfections?  These are things.  They are real.  Yet we keep them hidden until it’s often too late to reveal without consequences.

I don’t have the answers but I will find them.  I asked life and life is answering.